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Excerpt: The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’. In the first year, ’s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will…

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Excerpt: Arsenal Very sexy, but very prudish – won’t do anything dirty. Aston Villa Scrubs up lovely when she puts the effort in. Blackburn Rovers Her best days are behind her. Bolton Not all that attractive, but very, very dirty. Chelsea Posh bird that’s had a few facelifts too many. Everton Unashamedly flirtatious in front of her neighbour – and is the more popular for it. Fulham That girl at the office who’s been there for years without anyone really noticing. Hull City Hard to tell if this one’s a looker or not. Looks good in a certain light – like a man in drag in another. Liverpool Slightly flawed girl who hangs around with the popular crowd,…

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Excerpt: The British Solution to Save Petrol Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use…… The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants! That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down….. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel…. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq ….. Tell him if he wants to…

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Excerpt: My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…. __________________________________________________________________________________ I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a…

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Excerpt: In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) – ‘Do not turn upside down.’ (well…duh, a bit late, huh!) On Sainsbury’s peanuts – ‘Warning: contains nuts.’ (talk about a news flash) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine – ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.’ (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – ‘Product will be hot…

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Excerpt: I’m fast approaching thirty-one, 35 days to be exact, and on the back of Chris’ amazing Birthday party this time last week, thought I’d give my views on reaching 30…and you know you can relate to them!! 1. You leave clubs before the end to ‘beat the rush’. (worst still you don’t go to the clubs). 2. You get more excited about having a roast on Sunday than going clubbing the night before. 3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead. 4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property…